Kiwi Times NZ
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Auckland, New Zealand

Komix
Jokes, Jokes & more Jokes.

"Any girl can be glamourous; all you have to do is stand still and look stupid." --- Hedy Lamarr

"When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping; men invade another country." --- Elayne Boosler

"I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch." --- Gilda Radner

"Behind every successful man is a surprised woman." --- Maryon Pearson

"Our struggle today is not to have a female Einstein get appointed as an assistant professor. It is for a woman schlemiel to get as quickly promoted as a male schlemiel." --- Bella Abzug

"In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want anything done, ask a woman." --- Margaret Thatcher

"If I were going to convert to any religion I would probably choose Catholicism because it at least has female saints and the Virgin Mary." --- Margaret Atwood

"I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career." --- Gloria Steinem

"Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry." --- Gloria Steinem

"Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then." --- Katharine Hepburn

"I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night." --- Marie Corelli

"Nagging is the repetition of unpalatable truths." --- Baroness Edith Summerskill

"If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck?" --- Linda Ellerbee

"I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house." --- Zsa Zsa Gabor
Submitted:  12-May-2000 by:  Rita Paulsen, Quebec, Canada.


Investigators at a major Research Inst have discovered the heaviest element known to science.  This new discovery has been tentatively named Gravis O'Politicus Guamanium (GOG).  This new element has no protons or electrons, thus having an atomic number of 0.  It does have 1 neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 275 vice neutrons, & 2000 assistant vice neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 2401.  These 2401 particles are held together by a force called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since it has no electrons, Gog is inert.   However, it can be detected as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.  According to the discoverers, a minute amount of Gog causes one reaction to take over four days to complete when it would normally take less than a second. GOG has a normal half-life of approximately 4 years; it does not decay but instead undergoes a reorg in which a portion of the assistant neutrons, vice neutrons, & assistant vice neutrons exchange places. In fact, a GOG sample's mass will actually increase over time, since with each reorg, some of the morons inevitably become neutrons, forming new isotopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to speculate that GOG is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as the "Critical Morass". A subpanel of scientists has been formed to determine where the morons which surrounds the GOG came from in the first place.   It is speculated that GOG shamelessly attracts and enlists its own 2nd, 3rd & infinitum generational off-springs, giving them nurture and rewards & substinance.   This particular trait of GOG is being debated by scientists as to its merits or faults, as some insist that if not for Gog, these off-springs, which have no visible redeeming characteristics or exploitable skills, wouldn't survive otherwise.
Submitted: 8-May-2000 by:  Devon Pearl, Lismore, Australia


A blonde walks up to a Coke machine and puts in a coin.
Out pops a coke.
The blonde looks amazed and runs away to get some more coins.
She returns and starts feeding the machine madly and of course the machine keeps feeding out drinks.
Another person walks up behind the blonde and watches her antics for
a few minutes before stopping and her and asking if someone else could have a
go. The blonde spins around and shouts in her face: "Can't you see I'm winning."
Submitted: 5-May-2000 by:  Carl Jessup, New Zealand


A young woman, visiting her doctor, said "There's something wrong, my entire body hurts!"
"What do you mean?" asked the doctor.
The woman touched her right knee with her finger and said, "That hurts!"
She touched her left cheek and said, "That hurts, too!" She touch her chest and said, "Even that hurts!"
The doctor sighed, and ask the woman, "Are you a natural blonde?"
"Why, yes!" she said.
"I thought so," replied the doctor. "I think you've sprained your finger."
Submitted: 5-May-2000 by:  Carl Jessup, New Zealand


The father was very anxious to marry off his only daughter so he wanted to impress her date.
"Do you like to screw?" he asked.
"Huh?!" replied the surprised first date.
"My daughter, she loves to screw and she's good at it. You and her
should go screw," explained the father.
Now very interested the boy replied, "Yes, sir!!!"
Minutes later the girl came down the stairs, kissed her father goodbye and the couple left.
After only a few minutes she reappeared, furious, dress torn, hair a mess, and screamed,
"Dammit, Daddy, it's the TWIST, the TWIST, Damn it!!! Get it right!"
Submitted: 5-May-2000 by:  Carl Jessup, New Zealand


A local blonde woman had a near death experience today when she went horseback riding.
Everything was going fine until the horse started bouncing out of control.
She tried with all her might to hang on, but was thrown off.
With her foot caught in the stirrup, she fell head first to the ground.
Her head continued to make repeated contact with the ground as the horse did not stop or even slow down from its extended run.
Just as she was giving up hope and losing consciousness, the K-Mart manager came out and unplugged it.
Submitted: 5-May-2000 by:  Carl Jessup, New Zealand


The cannibal father decided that it was time that junior was to participate in the gathering of food. After a long walk,
they come across an unsuspecting missionary. The father cannibal admonishes junior, and says,
" As this is your first time out, you start at the feet, and I'll start at the head. BUT, remember, you must eat slowly so you don't get sick ."
" Okay dad," replies junior.
A few minutes after they start eating, the father asks junior,
" How's it going junior, are you okay ?"
" Yes dad," replies junior, " I'm having a ball."
"Darn it junior," bemoans the father, " I told you to eat slowly."
Submitted: 5-May-2000 by:  Devon Pearl, Lismore, Australia

Famous Women Comeback...
Man: "Haven't we met before?"
Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic."

Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."

Man: "Is this seat empty?"
Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."

Man: "So, wanna go back to my place ?"
Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"

Man: "Your place or mine?"
Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."

Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman: "It's in the phone book."
Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too."

Man: "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman: "I'm a female impersonator."

Man: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"
Woman: "Do not Enter"

Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman: "Unfertilized !"

Man: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason"
Woman: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"

Man: "I know how to please a woman."
Woman: "Then please leave me alone."

Man: "I want to give myself to you."
Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."

Man: "I can tell that you want me."
Woman: "Ohhhh. You're so right. I want you to leave."

Man: "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy:
Woman: "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing."

Man: "Your body is like a temple."
Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today."

Man: "I'd go through anything for you."
Woman: "Good! Let's start with your bank account."

Man: "I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: "Yes, but would you stay there?
Submitted: 5-May-2000 by:  Devon Pearl, Lismore, Australia


A traveling salesman checked into a futuristic motel. Realizing he needed a haircut before his next day's meeting, he called down to the desk clerk and asked if there was a barber on the premises. "I'm afraid not, sir," the clerk told him apologetically, "but down the hall is a special machine that should serve your purposes."
Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the appropriate machine,  inserted fifty cents, and stuck his head in the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his head in the mirror, which reflected the best haircut he ever received in his life.
Down the hall was another machine with a sign that read, "Manicures - 25 cents."
"Why not?" thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and pulled them out perfectly manicured.
The next machine had a huge sign that read, "This Machine Provides What Men Need Most When Away from Their Wives - cost 50 cents."
The salesman was embarrassed and looked both ways. Seeing nobody around he put in fifty cents, then unzipped his pants and stuck his "thing" into the opening - with great anticipation, since he had been away from his wife for 2 weeks.
When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony. Fifteen seconds later it shut off and, with trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his "thingy"...
Which now had a button sewed on the tip.
Submitted: 2-May-2000 by:  Page Johnson, Sydney, Australia

A young boy, about eight years old, was at the corner "Mom & Pop" grocery picking out a pretty good size box of laundry detergent. The grocer walked over, and, trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do.
"Oh, no laundry," the boy said, "I'm going to wash my dog." "But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog. It's very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him."
But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog.
About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy.  The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing.
"Oh, he died," the boy said.
The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he was sorry the dog died but added, "I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog."
"Well, the boy replied, "I don't think it was the detergent that killed him."
"Oh? What was it then?"
"I think it was the spin cycle!"
Submitted: 2-May-2000 by:  Kyle Jones, Auckland, NZ


A woman and a man are involved in a car accident but it's a bad one.  Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man, that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days." The man replied," I agree with you completely This must be a sign from God!

The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man shakes his head in agreement, opens it and takes a few very large swigs from the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man. The man asks, "Aren't you having any?" The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."
Submitted: 01-May-2000 by: Mike Mansfield, NSW, Australia


Imagine....
If Yoko Ono married Sonny Bono, she'd be Yoko Ono Bono.
If Dolly Parton married Salvador Dali, she'd be Dolly Dali.
If Bo Derek married Don Ho, she'd be Bo Ho.
Submitted: 2-Mar-2000 by:  Ed Jimenez, Palo Alto, CA.

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